Tuesday, January 18

I *Know* It Was A Funeral and I Really Didn't Mean To Get The Giggles

When you see this outfit, what do you think of? Go ahead... look carefully... I'll give you a few moments to have a few descriptive comments pop into your head....

I'll bet a few of you came up with "70's", "Prom", "OH MY FUCK", and a few of you were probably just giggling your ass off.

Now.. how many of you thought, "Funeral"?

Show of hands....?

I count..... one. And I only count one because I witnessed this outfit being worn to a funeral once. The funeral was for my Grandmonster and the proud model for this particular style was a cousin.

Now, don't get me wrong... I do understand that this is probably the nicest suit he had in his closet - and that he was only trying to do his gramma right and wear what he thought was appropriately respectful. I get that. I really do.

But that did not stop me from getting the giggles.

My Grandmonster and I didn't get along very well. Our idea of pleasantries was her greeting me with "Hey, Slut!" and me putting itching powder in her artificial leg while she slept. She was miserable to everyone who crossed her path, and only had a kind word for those who could do something for her. As her granddaughter, I was not one of those people.

Her death came as a pleasant surprise - to me, anyway. Not so much to my mom, who found her when she came home from work one day. She immediately called ME and I had to deal with that entire situation - but that's a story for another day.

Going to her funeral was not something I wanted to do. I didn't really feel the need to "say goodbye" or "see her one last time". I wouldn't even go into the room until the casket was closed.. 'cause.. I saw her on her deathbed. There isn't anything that will erase that image from my mind.

I went because my mom asked me to. And I will do anything my mom asks me to do. Because she's my mom. So I brought my brand-new-been-seeing-him-for-less-than-a-month boyfriend. You ever want to test a new boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen... bring him to the funeral of a relative you don't like... before he has met anyone in your family - aside from your mom - who he met at your Grandmonster's deathbed. (couch, actually - she was on the couch).

We were at the funeral service, doing the meet n' greet.. when suddenly, popping out of my mouth before I could stop it, were the words, "Oh my fuck - is that a powder blue tuxedo!?" What? Oh, c'mon... you'd say that too.. scroll up and look at the picture again... Now picture it with straggly long hair and a beard. Would you be able to control what your face was saying? I thought not.

To make matters worse, I was sat right behind him during the service. So I got to look at it the entire time. And the minister didn't help much... when he said, "Jesus' favourite word is 'Come... come to me...'"... and I couldn't help but think, "What a coincidence! 'Come' is my favourite word, too!!!" Which - of course - sent me off on a new gale of giggles.

Luckily, I was able to keep my head down - and my shaking shoulders were mistaken for sobs of grief rather than uncontrollable laughter. Image is everything. ;)


Heather said...

Now THAT was a magic moment. Perfectly described.

But now I wanna hear the story of the sich-u-ay-shun when you found her.


oh that' so funny..I want people to come to my funeral..just 'to make sure the bitch is dead.'..and hope everyone wears powder blue tuxs...matter of fact I think I will let it be known that I want everyone to wear the most inappropriate clothes they own.

Cheyenne said...

Well...at least he had clothes on. Now picture that...

Anonymous said...

You skeered me! I thought Elton John had died! That's sooo what I would wear to his funeral.

You are funny. You should write a funny book. There is a book there inside you, I see it!


astrocoz said...

You've outdone yourself on this one! I don't think I could have kept a straight face either! I would have asked him if he got confused and thought he was supposed to be at a 70s style wedding instead of a funeral.

trish said...

Heather ~ I'll make sure to make that a future post. :)

YDG ~ If you happen to find the end of your path before I do, I'll wear a blue tux to your funeral - but only if you promise to wear one to mine. ;)

Cheyenne ~ Eyew. Just... eyew. ~shudder~ Eyew. Now I need mental floss.. and possibly some bleach.. to get that out of my mind.

K ~ I keep thinking about it... and I've already started one novel.. I really should work on it more... :)

Astrocoz ~ I would have - but he's a cousin - and I really didn't want to insult him. Like I said, it was probably the nicest thing he had in his closet and he was close to my Grandmonster. A lot closer than I was.. 'course - he probably only saw her about once a year. LOL It's easy to like someone when you don't spend time with them.