Friday, January 28

Today is the First Day... After Yesterday and the One Before Tomorrow

I am always getting idioms mixed up. For some reason, there's a weird short circuit in my brain that won't put a full idiom together.

I will say:
  • A bird in the bush gathers no moss.
  • Barking at a dead horse.
  • Going to Hell in a Hibachi.
  • The fat lady has left the building.
  • Getting down to brass monkeys.
  • Freeze the tits off a nun.
  • The bigger they are, the easier it is to kick their shins.
  • Great minds are usually insane (for those of you who are wondering why I normally just type "Great minds..." - this would be why.
  • Hit the thumb on the head.
  • Idle hands learn how to swear in sign language.
  • Let the cat out of the washing machine.
  • Never bite the hand that holds your paycheque.
  • Your balls are in court.
I'm sure friends and family would be happy to point out more that I've said. You get the idea. I never get them right. Even if I've just been told what they are, for some reason, its forgotten almost immediately. I don't understand this.

I also don't always get that they're wrong as I'm saying them. The odd occasion I'll have a feeling that something isn't right, but it isn't until I see the looks on the faces of people around me that I truly know that yet again, I have become an idiom idiot.

Yay! Go me.




Tuesday, January 25

The Right Phrase At The Right Time


As I've watched my son grow up and slowly head towards leaving the "nest", I tend to look back more and more on the little things he did and said as a child.

And I think to myself....
"Holy shit. What the fuck was he thinking?!"

Like me, my son tends to speak his mind. It doesn't matter who he's speaking to. He doesn't care. I've told him that if he needs to say something, to say it. Throughout his life, he has taken these words to heart. I have slightly regretted teaching him this lesson on more than one occasion.

When Booger (the name I call my son on here for privacy reasons, and at home 'cause he's always been a little snot) was barely walking, he liked to participate in what I like to call "Shock Therapy". That's when he opens his tiny, innocent little mouth and out comes something so completely shocking to those around us that everyone stares at me, mouth agape, wondering how I could have corrupted such an innocent in so short amount of time.

One such time was on an elevator in the apartment building we spent the first few years of his life in. We lived on the 9th floor. It was a fairly speedy elevator. Unless Booger was in one of his moods and he had an audience. This time, the audience was a man. And the show was interactive. Booger decided to pass the time by sharing pleasantries with the man in the elevator.

Booger: "Hi!"
Man: "Hello."
Booger: "You're a man, right?"
Man: (smiling) "Well, yes. Yes, I am."
Booger: "So... you have a penis, right?"
Man: (puzzled, but still smiling - not knowing how to reply) "Uhm... well, yes. I do."

The man's eyes were jumping from Booger to me and back again. He was clearly uncomfortable with where this conversation had ended up so far... but Booger did not stop there. And we were only passing the 4th floor by this point!

Booger: "So... is it a big penis, or a little penis?"

I started pushing buttons - "Here... here... we're getting off here...."
I wanted to laugh... I was embarrassed for the man... I was surprised at the audacity of a two year old boy...

We never did find out if the man had a big penis or a little penis.. but I did learn that day that my son has got himself some really big cajones.

Monday, January 24

Sometimes, They Make You So Proud You Wanna Punch Someone In The Face With A Hammer Out Of Sheer Bliss!

Every once in awhile, you're forced to look at your life from a different point of view and realize that you're not quite the loser you thought you were. Oh, sure - you might still THINK you're a loser - but when you remove your head from your own ass, you are able to see yourself from someone else's point of view - and you come to understand, however temporarily, that your own opinion of yourself means shit in the grand scheme of things.

Every time I get a glimpse into my son's soul and see how very awesome he is, I allow myself to think, "Dammit... I've done good!".

People have always told me I'm an excellent mom.. and for the most part, I agree with them - but even those of us who achieve excellence once in awhile have our moments of self-doubt. Did I do enough for him..? Did I teach him the difference between right and wrong? Did I teach him how to let his feelings show and open his heart to another human being? Did I teach him to pick up his underwear and make his bed? Okay.. I failed on that last one... he still leaves his shit everywhere and never makes his bed because he 'doesn't see the point if its only going to get messed up again'.

Then he'll reveal a side of himself that I'm both surprised at and fully expect of him... Like his new blog. Please take a moment to go have a read. Become a "follower". Leave a comment that his Mom sent you - I'm sure he'll love that. ;) Seriously - he's funny and interesting and gives you great recipes from the point of view of a pretty damned good chef. :D

Tuesday, January 18

I *Know* It Was A Funeral and I Really Didn't Mean To Get The Giggles

When you see this outfit, what do you think of? Go ahead... look carefully... I'll give you a few moments to have a few descriptive comments pop into your head....

I'll bet a few of you came up with "70's", "Prom", "OH MY FUCK", and a few of you were probably just giggling your ass off.

Now.. how many of you thought, "Funeral"?

Show of hands....?

I count..... one. And I only count one because I witnessed this outfit being worn to a funeral once. The funeral was for my Grandmonster and the proud model for this particular style was a cousin.

Now, don't get me wrong... I do understand that this is probably the nicest suit he had in his closet - and that he was only trying to do his gramma right and wear what he thought was appropriately respectful. I get that. I really do.

But that did not stop me from getting the giggles.

My Grandmonster and I didn't get along very well. Our idea of pleasantries was her greeting me with "Hey, Slut!" and me putting itching powder in her artificial leg while she slept. She was miserable to everyone who crossed her path, and only had a kind word for those who could do something for her. As her granddaughter, I was not one of those people.

Her death came as a pleasant surprise - to me, anyway. Not so much to my mom, who found her when she came home from work one day. She immediately called ME and I had to deal with that entire situation - but that's a story for another day.

Going to her funeral was not something I wanted to do. I didn't really feel the need to "say goodbye" or "see her one last time". I wouldn't even go into the room until the casket was closed.. 'cause.. I saw her on her deathbed. There isn't anything that will erase that image from my mind.

I went because my mom asked me to. And I will do anything my mom asks me to do. Because she's my mom. So I brought my brand-new-been-seeing-him-for-less-than-a-month boyfriend. You ever want to test a new boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen... bring him to the funeral of a relative you don't like... before he has met anyone in your family - aside from your mom - who he met at your Grandmonster's deathbed. (couch, actually - she was on the couch).

We were at the funeral service, doing the meet n' greet.. when suddenly, popping out of my mouth before I could stop it, were the words, "Oh my fuck - is that a powder blue tuxedo!?" What? Oh, c'mon... you'd say that too.. scroll up and look at the picture again... Now picture it with straggly long hair and a beard. Would you be able to control what your face was saying? I thought not.

To make matters worse, I was sat right behind him during the service. So I got to look at it the entire time. And the minister didn't help much... when he said, "Jesus' favourite word is 'Come... come to me...'"... and I couldn't help but think, "What a coincidence! 'Come' is my favourite word, too!!!" Which - of course - sent me off on a new gale of giggles.

Luckily, I was able to keep my head down - and my shaking shoulders were mistaken for sobs of grief rather than uncontrollable laughter. Image is everything. ;)

Wednesday, January 12

Would You Want To Smack Your Parents...

I receive daily reports from the local police departments because I want to know what's going on in my neighbourhood. It's all very cool and nifty. You can go to their website, click on the divisions you want updates from, and they get delivered to your email account several times a day - depending on how busy the criminals are that day.

Anyone remember Mork and Mindy? Do you remember what phrase Mork (Robin Williams) used when he wanted to swear?

Here's the reason I'm asking - Today, I received a missing persons report. This is the report I received. Note the missing person's name.

News Release
Toronto Police Service

Wednesday, January 12, 2011 - 4:25 PM

54 Division
416-808-5400

The Toronto Police Service is requesting the public’s assistance locating a missing man.

Shaaz Butt, 21, was last seen on Saturday, January 8, 2011, at 8:15 a.m., in the St. Clair Avenue East/O’Connor Drive area.

He is described as 5'8", 163 lbs., black hair, brown eyes and clean shaven.

Police are concerned for his safety.

Anyone with information is asked to contact police at 416-808-5400, Crime Stoppers anonymously at 416-222-TIPS (8477), online at www.222tips.com, text TOR and your message to CRIMES (274637), or Leave A Tip on Facebook.

Constable Tony Vella, Corporate Communications, for Detective Edward Campbell, 54 Division

An attachment to this release is available on our website.

http://www.torontopolice.on.ca/newsreleases/release.php?id=20327
Would you want to smack your parents?

I'm not sure if this is as bad as those women who sued their parents, Mr. & Mrs. Hogg, for naming them Ima and Ura.

Could be close, though.

Tuesday, January 11

Dieting Tips for the Faint of Heart #1

If you have a slight cold and your tastebuds are off.. and you've had a Halls within the past two hours - a chicken greek salad with Mediterranean Greek dressing can taste like pizza if you scrunch your eyes and focus really hard on the flavour of pizza.

Really. It works.


Monday, January 10

Trish is... ELECTRO WOMAN!

When I first thought about writing this blog post, I didn't know there was actually an Electro Woman. But when I googled images to see if there were any cool ones I could add to my post, I found this.

The chick standing next to her, looking as though she whines incessantly, is Dyna Girl. Note how Electro Woman is closing her eyes, counting to ten, and trying not to pound Dyna Girl in the head and tell her to shut the fuck up. You can see the tension. And I've never even seen the TV show. You know that had tasers been around in 1976, Dyna Girl would be doing the Electric Shimmy every time she opened her mouth.

But I digress...

The reason I am Electro Woman is not because I look as good as Diedre Hall in a skintight costume (although that would be nice...) but because I zap the fuck out of almost everything I touch. I kill radios and TV sets. I've sucked the juice out of batteries (not intentionally - just happens). My phone constantly needs recharging. This is something that's happened all of my life. Well, not the phone thing... but you get it..

My mom used to work for a baby carriage company. Her job was electroplating the cool bits and bobs that went on the prams. She was constantly surrounded by an electrical field. It was so bad, that Rogers cable requested they put some sort of energy barrier around her because the electrical field was knocking out the cable within a six-block radius. This was back in 1968, when technical stuff wasn't so sophisti-ma-cated.

So they put a barrier around the room she was in and called it day. Only problem - my mom was still in the room. They didn't give her anything special to wear - no protective gear - not even one of those cool lead aprons. Oh. And she was pregnant.

So - for nine months (maybe eight and half - but mom worked through most of her pregnancy), I was exposed to electrical zappy thing type conditions. I'm a mutant. But not in any really cool way. I can't turn of a light without being zapped. I can't touch anything metal without being zapped. I can't even touch another human being without that intial zing. It's a little hurty. Usually moreso for the other person.


On the other hand, I have been known to disrupt signals (especially in old TV's and radios - the kind with tubes) and make things power down for no apparent reason. It's not much of a consolation - but it is a cool party trick. I'll take it.

Oh - and because the universe loves a good joke as much as the next guy - my son has also inherited these talents. Between us, we go through appliances like stupid.


Sunday, January 9

The Social Network - Works.

The fam, my friend Viv, and I went to see The Social Network tonight.

Apparently, the most socially awkward person on the planet managed to create the most popular social network on the planet. Ironic? Maybe.. although it does make sense that someone who can't express himself in person builds a system to allow everyone - including the socially retarded - to make "friends", albeit virtual ones.

I'm not putting Facebook down. I'm on it - and I love it. I'm probably just as addicted as 97% of the people who frequent it. I've met up with old school friends, re-connected with family after over 17 years of not even knowing where they were, and sworn to hunt down and remove the spleen of anyone who sends me a "Farmville" request. (I do play some of the games, but I quickly grow tired of them - especially since they seem to have to leave proof of their existence all over my FB wall - like some sort of unneutered tomcat who has to mark his territory over and over and over again.) So.. I had to see the movie. :)

It's well done. I'm not sure how much of it is truth and how much is fiction - we all know that not everything we see up on the big screen is fact - no matter how big the words "BASED ON A TRUE STORY" are on the poster. But there's Bro-mance, a friendship lost, triumph, failure, some guys that Viv says are really cute (but since they're all about my son's age, that's a little icky to me), and during it all, an interesting movie happens.

I'm still waiting for Mark Zuckerberg to accept my friend request.

~refresh~

~refresh~

~refresh~

~refresh~

Friday, January 7

Utility Companies. Every Once In Awhile, They Throw You A Kiss

It's nice to know that it is possible to get off the phone with a utility company and NOT want to rip off their arm and beat them about the face and ears with it. I'm not saying this is a common feeling. You probably have a better chance of seeing Halley's Comet. But it IS possible.

Last night, I called Rogers cable. I'm tired of paying for bullshit. Superchannel sucks ass, and I only have the Movie Network for Dexter, and the season is over, so I don't need it anymore. Which is basically what I told them. The first woman who got on the line was very nice - we spoke for a half hour about what changes I'd like to make on my account. And she cheerfully agreed to all of them. And then when I asked her how much my billing would be in the future, it turned out to be more than I'm currently paying. When I asked her why, her response was, "Well.. its just a little more..." Uhm.. whut??? I patiently (meaning - I wasn't quite banging my head against my desk yet) reminded her that I was removing movie networks (two of them) and that I shouldn't be paying more for LESS service. She got a little flustered and put me on hold to try to figure out why I wasn't being a good little sheeple and just doing as I was told. She then came back on the line and told me she couldn't remove the movie networks and would have to transfer me to another department.

Awww... its nice to know that Rogers is an equal opportunity employer and even finds jobs for the airheads.

The second woman at least seemed to know what she was doing. She managed to remove the movie networks, add the one channel I did want, keep my VIP package, AND told me the total of my new bill (without having to put me on hold) AND gave my account a credit for the rest of the month because I wouldn't be using the movie networks AND gave me a 15% discount for a year because I told her I was paying way too much for cable. SWEET! AND she also was able to go into my now defunct cellular bill that I haven't used for 2 years but accidentally put a payment on back in October and apply that to my cable account. DOUBLE SWEET!!

Unlike Toronto Hydro, when I called to discuss my account - there wasn't anything they could do. So when they asked me if there was anything else they could help me with, I told them to lower their rates. When she laughed and said she was sorry but that wasn't possible, I told her if that's the case, I'd like them to send me a box of chocolates, flowers, and a bottle of KY Jelly every time they invoice me. No one gets to screw me without putting a little effort into it. Then I hung up the phone while she was still laughing.

I can't wait to see what happens when that bill comes in.

Wednesday, January 5

Animal Cruelty

Not even Fido should have to wear Grandma's Knitted Ugly Christmas Sweater.